A shell of what I used to be
by IluvMarkSalling
Summary: Post 'Sexy'. The aftermath of Santana and Brittany's conversation. spoilers for 2x15.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I was inspired by this after episode 2x15. I know it has a sad ending, but it isn't complete. Please review, and the next chapter will be up soon. **

**I don't own anything.**

It's finally happened. I have hit rock bottom. I'm sitting against the wall of the abandoned science room, hugging my knees to my chest, bawling, not giving a damn about how I look. This time last year I was on top of the world. I was captain of the cheerios, I was sort-of-dating the hottest guy in school, Puck. I took Finn's V-card, and I could fool around with Brittany without having to deal with my feelings for her. Brittany. Thinking her name sent another wave of warm salty tears cascading down my cheeks. I love her so much, but it's not enough. Nothing is ever enough. She loves Artie, and no matter what I do or say, she won't leave him. But I just know I could be so much better for her. Brittany is simple, childlike, and wanting to assume the best in people. But I see what she doesn't, what she can't. Artie gives her rides on his wheelchair and he gives her sex, but he doesn't care about Brittany. He blows her off to play video games. He looks at other girls. He thinks he's better than Brittany just because she isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. So maybe she thinks the square root of four is rainbows? Brittany is the sweetest person I have ever met. She is kind, and gentle and she deserves a hell of a lot better than Artie. I could give her everything, I just know it. Thinking about this, I feel like a knife has been plunged in to my stomach and I want to throw up. Swallowing the bitter bile that had risen to my throat, I bury my face into my knees, sobbing harder than before. I lose track of how much time is passed, only focused on my irregular whimpers, ragged breathing, and the wet tears dropping on to my bare legs. I don't hear the soft footsteps entering the room, or the small gasp of pain at seeing how damaged I am over this. But I do feel someone slide down beside me, close, so her warm body is leant against mine.

"San…" Brittany whispers. She wraps her toned arms around my shaking frame and I half heartedly attempt to brush her off, but she holds me tighter.

"Santana, I'm so sorry."

"Save it." I command in my coldest HBIC voice, but it comes out weak and my voice is nasal and stuffy.

"Santana, I love you." Brittany says meekly.

"If you really love me, you'd be with me."

"I can't do that to Artie. Think about how he would feel."

"I don't care! He'll get over it! I'm begging you to chose me. I will do anything for you Britt."

"Then don't make me choose, because it's too hard. That's what you can do for me." She gets up and makes for the door.

"Brittany please don't-"

"Just let me go." She says softly, pausing to give me a sad gaze, before continuing out the door.

Never in my life have I felt so broken, so helpless. When Brittany left, she took whatever was left of my heart. She'd had it since we were thirteen, but when I was with her I borrowed it back. Now Brittany has stolen my heart and I will never be complete without it, and without her. I am not Santana Lopez. I am now just an empty shell.

**Please, please, please review for the next chapter.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I'm still in shock at how positively you guys reacted to this story :) Seriously, you are all amazing. A super huge thanks to everyone who reviewed! So here's the next chapter, it's a little corny at the end, but I used real emotions for most of it so be kind please. **

**Sadly, I don't own a single thing.**

This isn't going to be one of those cliché 'the days turned into weeks and the weeks into months', because it simply isn't true. Time did pass, but incredibly slowly. I would drag myself around all day, feeling empty. Feeling nothing. Whenever I was asked something I just couldn't bring myself to speak. I knew I could if I tried, but I had built walls up, and it was simpler not to tear them down. I would go home and be exhausted from actually doing anything even if it was just sitting in class, not paying attention. But I couldn't fall asleep. My grades were dropping, I was losing weight (and not in the good way) and the only emotion I was ever able to feel was sadness. I was losing it.

It had been almost two weeks since -Brittany rejected me, but the pain I was feeling felt fresh, the wounds raw and sore. For a few days I had dropped off the map completely. I just couldn't see her without bursting into tears, or feeling numb, like my whole world was slipping through my fingers and there was nothing I could do about it. Eventually I came back to school, avoiding anyone, and it brought me to the present time, where I work up the courage to enter the choir room for glee practice. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I push open the door and meet twelve pairs of sympathetic eyes. If I had any emotions, it would irritate me. I don't want their sympathy.

"Hey Santana." Sam says cheerfully waving me over. I regard him for a minute before slowly ambling over. "Glad you're feeling better." He says. I stiffen in my seat before realizing that he is absolutely clueless as to the current situation, and thought I was sick. Idiot.

"So I was thinking you could come over and we can watch Avatar." He said. I stared straight ahead, not even able to express my distaste. Inside I'm screaming at him for actually thinking we were still going out. But I can't form the words to actually speak. Disappointment and confusion colours Sam's features at my lack of response. Luckily Mr. Schue commands the attention of the club and saves me.

* * *

I'm relishing the fact that glee is over and I finally get to go home. I feel more lonely there, but it's better than seeing Brittany and Artie together. They sung a duet today, and after a few minutes of thinking about anything else, I had to excuse myself to dry heave and cry in the bathroom.

"Hey." A quiet voice says. I turn around to see Artie.

"Hi." I mumble.

"I'm going to get right to the point. I see the way you look at Brittany. I see the way you act around her. I'm not stupid Santana, I know she only went out with me to make you jealous. Truth be told, I only went out with her to make Tina jealous. But we all need to stop pretending. We're getting older, and we need to face the truth. So I won't stand in the way anymore. I broke up with Brittany." He said. Through the whole speech I simply stared, unable to react.

Eventually I bend down and hug him tight. Artie lets out a noise of surprise at my sudden affection.

* * *

I stumble back to the choir room, my legs not working properly for I'm in a daze. As I turn the corner I just pray to god she hasn't gone home. I can't live another night without her.

For once, god is with me when I see her sitting in the red plastic chair. I don't say anything as I walk toward her. My heart is beating like a jackhammer, and it feels like my body temperature has gone up a million degrees.

Brittany looks up. "Hi San." She says. I pause for a minute. Brittany sounds sad, deflated.

"Hi." I say. I went in with the intention of just kissing her, but now I realize what I was too blind to see before. Brittany couldn't just ditch Artie. She loved him. Now she's sad they broke up. I can't just make her my girlfriend now. I'll have to wait. I'll do it properly.

"Listen, I was thinking, do you want to go out with me?" I asked. Where I find the words, I don't know. Somehow it all comes to me, and I find myself saying all the right things.

"But we never do anything in public." Brittany says. Her tone is a mixture of confusion and hope, and the emotions are mirrored in her beautiful blue eyes.

"Yeah I know, but I want to start. I'm done with fooling around. I want us to be a real couple, starting with a first date. Will you go out with me Friday night?" I ask.

"No sex?" Brittany asks.

"If the night goes well and you let me, maybe a goodnight kiss. But I want to wait, so everything will be special."

Brittany throws her arms around me and buries her face into my shoulder.

"I love you San." Brittany mumbles.

"I love you too Britt. More than you can imagine."

**Please review, pretty please, and the next chapter will be up soon**


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